An Nguyen's Page

2007-05-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

An un-healable wound

It aches my heart every day when I came downstairs thinking of what happened to you that morning. You must have felt really bad walking down the stairs in your serious condition before you collapsed in the bathroom.

It aches my heart remembering when you desperately tried to breath and couldn’t. You were in my arms but I was so helpless to keep your life from leaving me.

It aches my heart when I look at pretty things, big and small, that you collected and decorated around the house. It seems like you have left your touch, your scent in every room and on every wall.

It aches my heart walking by myself in the garden, especially in the spring. After a long winter, many plants you personally planted have come back strong and healthy. Why couldn’t you come back like them?

It aches my heart walking on the streets that we used to walk, seeing places that we had been together. Without you, I have such a heavy feeling of emptiness.

Without you, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year are not the same. On Mother’s Day, there is no special one to bring home impatiens and plants for the garden.

You were really gone but your voice, your face, your smile, your scent are still here. Your absence leaves an un-healable wound in my heart…

May, 2007

2007-03-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

Laments of the 21th century
(Re-visited)

In the name of democracy
You came to destroy a country
Of many thousand years of culture and civilization
And to build your own model

In the name of democracy
You send your own soldiers
To search and destroy every home
Until no one can disagree

You will organize election
The candidates are the people you trust
Since they are on you payroll
And the people who vote
Will be protected by your police

In the name of fighting terror
You came with your mighty weapons
To terrorize a whole nation
With death and mass destruction

You try to control every street
But you don't even understand the language the people speak
Because you don't know who your friends are
You would rather treat them as suspects

In the name of compassion
You came to sow seeds of hatred
So the war on terror you wish to succeed
Can produce even more bloodshed

In the name of your own god
In the name of compassion
With you own definition of freedom and democracy
You will not leave any stone unturned to destroy the enemy

Scorching the earth and making the people suffer
That is not your intention
It makes you feel safer and less angry
Because between good and evil
You are on the right side of course

Can you believe in the twenty first century?
There are things that haven"t changed
You can come and change a country
And build whatever you want
As long as you have money and a powerful army

The only thing is
You will be there for a long time
And nobody knows the outcome!

(First posted in November 2005)

2007-03-18T17:23:00.000-07:00

Cold House

back from far away
the house is cold and empty
because you’re not there

2007-03-07T15:25:00.001-08:00

a lost shoe

for many years
we were together
like a pair of shoes
that always walked in the same direction
on the same streets

but since you are gone
i am like a lonely shoe
lost
useless
how can I find the missing shoe?

local warming

fooled by warm weather
the quince bush is in full bloom
in midst of winter

2007-01-04T17:32:00.000-08:00

Full Moon

The way home tonight
Brightened up by the full moon
Like your smiling face

2006-12-31T17:21:00.000-08:00

Wind Storm

Em nhu+ ma^y o+? giu+~a tro+`i
Bo^?ng dda^u co+n gio’ tho^?i va`o hu+ vo^
Anh nhu+ ca^y ddu+’ng tro+ vo+
Ga^?y ca`nh tru.i la’ va^?n cho+` ddo+.i ai

You are a cloud in the sky
Varnished in a sudden wind storm
I am a tree left desolated
With broken branches and without foliage
Still waiting for you

2006-12-29T16:32:00.000-08:00

Tired

Ddu+o+`ng co`n da`i ma` sao ta mo?i me^.t
Mo^~i nga`y le^n the^m mo^t buo^?i ddie^`u hiu
Em ddi ro^`i so?i dda cu~ng buo^`n thie^u
Ta co`n dda^’y hay ta nhu+ dda~ che^`t

The road is still long but I already feel tired
Everyday when the sun rises, there is another lonely day
Even rocks feel sad when you were gone
Am I still alive or have I already passed away?

2006-12-06T13:04:00.000-08:00

Saturday

This Saturday afternoon I tried to tidy up the bedroom. It was sad to go through Abbie’s clothes because every single piece reminded me so much of her, of certain day, of certain occasion. It was as if these clothes were still warm with her body. They were not just some material but each one was alive with some memory. Abbie was gone but so much of her were still around and that made it hard to believe that Abbie would never come back…It took the whole afternoon for the chore. Later on, Lan joined in going through Abbie’s jewelry. I told her she could keep whatever she liked. Once she took out a pretty snub bottle and said it smelt like mom. I told her she could keep that too and she took it.

It was late to prepare dinner so we decided to go eat out at Friendly. That was not a fancy eating place where the whole family used to hang out and had some good time together for whatever reasons. We used to know the owner who came from Azerbaijan. He was very friendly and chatted with us every time we came to the shop. Now he was no longer there and the shop had a new owner.

Lan said it would be fun if mom were here tonight. It was just a wish! Then we went on talking about school and about the coming trip to Vietnam in February. Lan was so excited and talking nonstop…

On the way back, usually we walked across the street and down the slope and a few blocks more. Lan used to climb up to the high platform of the building and jumped on my shoulder for a ride down until the end of the slope. Liem always chuckled and shook his head. But now she was too big for that. We continued to talk about the trip until we got home.

2006-11-28T05:52:00.000-08:00

Life moves on

Life moves on
As if it doesn’t matter
How many people have died in the terrible war

Life moves on
As if it doesn’t matter
Some family has lost their loved one

Life moves on
As if it is OK
To kill human beings with bombs, with new technology weapons

Life moves on
As if there are no pains, no sufferings
No memories of the past

Life moves on
As if it will never end

2006-11-17T17:36:00.000-08:00

Stormy night

For the rest of my life I would not forget that morning when I came downstairs and found you fallen on the bathroom floor. It seemed like you had exhausted all your energy and could not stand on your feet when I picked you up. I remembered that you said to me “I want to lie down”. I had to carry you to the living room and let you rest on the couch. If I had known what was happening to you then, I would have called 911 immediately instead of trying to make you some ginger tea. I might have saved your life! When you were in my arms and had trouble breathing, I wished I could share your pain. Why couldn’t I? We shared everything together in life in the past 32 years, why couldn’t we share our death?

Last night there was a rainy storm with high wind hauling over the roof. I lied in bed thinking of all the recent pains you had to suffer physically with your body and mentally with the loss of your parents. I wished I should have tried to comfort you more then. Suddenly I felt a storm rising in my heart and tears rolling down from my eyes…

November 16, 2006

2006-11-09T11:20:00.000-08:00

China Town

There were too many memories of you whenever I came down to China town. Every street I took, every corner I turned I remembered your image vividly. Now I realized that I had to do all things that we used to do together alone, by myself. There was no longer that happiness of sharing the joy of being and doing. For now, it was merely being and doing and that was all. I knew that I had to learn to live without you but somehow sadness seemed not to go away easily.

November 3, 2006

2006-11-09T11:17:00.000-08:00

A Fallen Tree

The other day there was a strong storm with high wind that broke one of the trees in the back of our yard. A large portion of the tree fell on the back porch of the corner neighbor. Luckily it didn’t damage anyone or anything except some plants near the fence. The neighbor was the friendly lawyer who liked gardening. He wasn’t angry and didn’t complaint about the accident. Instead he asked for the name of the tree trimmer that we had him done work before. He even said “ By the way I am sorry about the passing of your wife…”. I told him I would call the man myself for tree removal since I wanted the trees trimmed back, especially along Lena’s house. I knew we wanted to do this for some time.
Mr. Hicky, the tree man, was nice enough to come the next day to clean up the mess in the neighbor’s yard. He finally ended up cut down one sick tree in the back and trimmed quite a bit the rest of the trees. You would probably be happy to see the state of the trees now, especially with a lot sun shining through our backyard.
And tonight it just happened that a bright full moon was hanging beautifully between the trees in the back in the clear blue sky. Looking at the moon, I just saw your beautiful smiling face…

November 3, 2006

2006-10-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

missing you

like autumn leaves fell to its roots
you had found your peaceful place
along the Charles I can’t stop thinking of you
as the water keeps on flowing under the bridge

i will continue on this lonely journey
heavy with treasure of your memories
until i find that resting place
where life is no longer emptiness

10-21-06

2006-10-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

butterflies

up the hill to Peace Pagoda
autumn leaves were falling
like a thousand butterflies

2006-10-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

morning loss

i woke up in the middle of the night
realizing that you were no longer there
made my heart ache painfully
was this real or just a nightmare?

morning came with noisy sparrows
dews were shining on the grass below
along the path you used to walk
plants and flowers continued to grow

like morning dews with the rising sun
you were here and you were gone
the garden path would miss your steps
even rocks could cry for your return

some day I would join with you
in the cold earth under starlit sky
together we would hear the ocean waves
incessantly singing the eternal lullaby…

2006-10-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

Abbie

For many years I have known Abbie, she always loved nature. She loved the beauty of Cape Cod. She loved ocean and rivers…She loved trees, birds, butterflies, insects …We have had all kinds of pets, from dog, rabbit, canaries, fish, parakeets… She loved to work in the garden and watched things grow from day to day…She knew which plant was OK and which one needed more care…
She also loved to be with children...It didn’t matter they were from England, Boston, Vietnam, Thailand...She loved to be with friends and family… And she loved her parents so much that you could feel her pain when they were ill…
Abbie had great tolerance and was fun to be with…She always came up with some small thing that made life enjoyable…
She was an adaptable person that loved to try any ethnic food, could live in different places like Bangkok or Ho Chi Minh City with ease. In the 80’s, she took computer, math and science courses to keep up with the changes in technology…
Because she loved every living things, she had a good sense of responsibility…She had two families: one in school and one at home that she cared so much…She didn’t hesitate to take up a fight against unjust wars and injustice …
I was fortunate to be with her for the last 32 years. She was always a good companion and a good friend and she will remain in me forever…

2006-09-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

Chilly sunshine

In the streets of Cambridge
It is warm with sunshine
But without you
It feels like chilly winter

September 21, 2006

2006-09-23T17:51:00.000-07:00

If I had known

If I had known
That you would leave that morning forever
I would have asked you
To spend whole day before together
We would have walked all over the streets of Cambridge
That you loved so much
We would have come to say good-bye
To the Charles River
It was there and will always be there
As a witness of our happy days
You could have fed the ducks
And said good-bye to the trees
For the last time
We would have come the nursery store
To get your favorite plant
As a last living souvenir
We would have walked the streets of Chinatown
Shared a bun for lunch
And your favorite avocado drink
We would have stopped at a bookstore
Or maybe at a yard sale…
We would have sat on our porch
Watching the wind blow above the bamboo bush
The fish swimming in the pond below
The birds taking a bath, singing their beloved songs
We would have watch the nightfall
The moon and the stars
As they will be our messengers
We would have stayed up for the rest of the night
Holding hands together
I would have told you
How great a companion and a friend you had been …
And you would be missed forever!

September 20, 2006

2006-09-23T17:35:00.000-07:00

It's strange
It’s strange to eat dinner without you. Dinner was the best time of the day. We enjoyed the meal and shared the day events. Then we had tea and you always asked “what for desert” with it…Now that you are not here, the food doesn’t taste the same without your voice, your laughing…The chair you liked to sit, the cup you used to drink with, little things that you decorated on the window sills… they are all still here…You have left so many things and every single thing is still full with your touch and unforgettable memory. But you have gone forever!
And that doesn’t seem to be real… You know how much I wish you could come back…
We also liked to watch the John Steward show after dinner while having tea or desert. We used to laugh our heads off when there was good political humor… And you probably call to share that with your father later on. I also miss watching “mystery” on BBC with you… You were pretty good at following details that I usually missed. Now how I can laugh alone? How can I really enjoy watching “mystery” by myself?
Now there is only one cup for tea and there are plenty of food left…Gone with you are your happy voices and laughing. How much I miss the little things you brought home that made life so fun and enjoyable.
The house and the garden are left empty. The same is my life.
September 19, 2006

Robert Newman History of oil

2006-07-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

Robert Newman gets to grips with the wars and politics of the last hundred years - but rather than adhering to the history we were fed at school, the places oil centre stage as the cause of all commotion. This innovative history programme is based around Robert Newman's stand-up act and supported by resourceful archive sequences and stills with satirical impersonations of historical figures from Mayan priests to Archduke Ferdinand. Quirky details such as a bicycle powered street lamp on the stage brings home the pertinent question of just how we are going to survive when the world's oil supplies are finally exhausted.

2006-06-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

2005-12-06T17:38:00.000-08:00

Three Haikus

In the blowing wind
Sitting a couple of ducks
Heads under their wings

A little sparrow
Lands on the empty feeder
Forgot my breakfast?

Assembly of birds
In the garden bushes
Sing noisy chorus

2005-11-21T07:30:00.000-08:00

Bird Flu Blues

How does it feel
To be rounded up, bagged and burned
Mercilessly
How does it feel
To be rounded up, gassed in a chamber
Indiscriminately
How does it feel
To kill so many
In order to save a human race

A Little Pebble

2005-11-16T12:09:00.000-08:00

Laments of the 21th century

In the name of democracy
You came to destroy a country
Of many thousand years of culture and civilization
And to build your own model

In the name of democracy
You send your own soldiers
To search and destroy every home
Until no one can disagree

You will organize election
The candidates are the people you trust
Since they are on you payroll
And the people who vote
Will be protected by your police

In the name of fighting terror
You came with your mighty weapons
To terrorize a whole nation
With death and mass destruction

You try to control every street
But you don't even understand the language the people speak
Because you don't know who your friends are
You would rather treat them as suspects

In the name of compassion
You came to sow seeds of hatred
So the war on terror you wish to succeed
Can produce even more bloodshed

In the name of your own god
In the name of compassion
With you own definition of freedom and democracy
You will not leave any stone unturned to destroy the enemy

Scorching the earth and making the people suffer
That is not your intention
It makes you feel safer and less angry
Because between good and evil
You are on the right side of course

Can you believe in the twenty first century?
There are things that haven"t changed
You can come and change a country
And build whatever you want
As long as you have money and a powerful army

The only thing is
You will be there for a long time
And nobody knows the outcome!

A Little Pebble